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Chalne S. (1986 - )Chalne Smokvil |
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January 19 Back to Chaos19 Jan 2009
Through all the time, I have been seeking a simple life, no more complicated inter-relationship, no more intense pressure or limitation from the outter circle. I don't mind framing myself and isolating myself from the mass. The only thing I want is never come close and intervent or intrude my space. For so long a time, I desparate for my own space, maybe I just want a cigarette, a cup of coffee, and a place to think. Not too much to demand, I cannot understand why it never becomes real.
That morning when I woke up, I deceid that I want to dwell into a place no one can reach me. No one. Not even myself. The blue sky and the spotting sun I see are still in the same place as they should be. Where am I to go as it should be.
Back to this chaotic and early earth, I hesitate. How beautiful it is to die underwater. January 18 Something Unknown17th Jan
It has been long before I decide to write again. Something is missing for a while. No answer for how long it is, but as long as enough to forget the number of days, and the mesure of time. It always comes to me that a question exits without an answer. We don't need answers, no excueses, but a reason. A reason for doing things in a proper way. At least, to do things in a way we feel comfortable.
Finished my life experiencing journey, I start working right after I land home. I ran out of money, but my soul is still with me. I am content with it. Had a very delicate meal with him in the cozy place, everything seemed so right I felt. I often have the power to put things right, though nothing is not right in my way of life. Things are offbeat and unique, which I cannot handle with. The unpredictables are my life.
I met many interesting people during my stay in different cities. Some of them still linger over my memory. The fragrance and the moments are unforgetable. There was a time, I had myself to kept every tiny movement and feelings down/ Now it is a time, I have everything so naturally happen and let the thoughts and ideas flow as they could be. I am still here and be the same person as who I am.
You are still who you are. I am no different. October 07 Contradiction" A woman who never contradicts you may become as monotonous as an autostrada in the Sahara desert, but a companion who never, for a sinle moment, never stop contradcting you, is as wearisome as a secondary rood in the mountains of Spain." October 04 But I amChhem told me that he read what I had written and what I have writing is good. I am so glad to hear that. Remember what I wanted to be a writer. A writer is to write, to write and to write. But a female writer is to write with goodness, to write with beauties and to write with wits.
I don't like women without wits. It might sound a bit arrogant but I am, but in a good way. I am harmless.
The way I am sometimes carries you happy to Heaven, and the way I am the other times really knocks you down to Hell. I can be fast like hell, and still can slow down in Heaven.
He commented that only people with thoughts understand what I am writing. I agree. I write not for everyone but people who think. It is the same thing that you can fuck everyone but cannot converse with all of them.
Yesterday, Today and Morrow
Yesterday I suffered
From thinking too Much
To-day I am
Happy because I Think
Morrow I am
Happier for I think too Much
The yesterday-moments,
The today-fragments
And
The tomorrow-memories
All
Are fading away from my little brain.
The fragrances left in the past are unchageable
For both you and I together.
The laughters we brust out.
The moments we carried out.
The cigs and drinks we cheered.
As for those things makred our happiness.
The nights we stayed romantically togehter.
The daytimes we satiated mutual loneliness.
You read my black senseless jokes and my myths.
I saw you frowning and hard conversing with humours.
Yesterday - we were there.
Today - you are there.
And tomorrow - I will be there.
Things happen, but in a different way.
Chalne S.
Buggers3rd October 2008
Two bugs were lying in the same bed and they were taking off their bugging clothes while the body chemical romace knocked with silence.
Then the two buggers stroke their bodies with bugging noise. Awaiting for another new dawn, buggers off.
Chalne S.
September 22 For Wai Liu22 September 2008
I looked up the dictionary this morning, at page 1137: Fresh - 1) new; different or another; 2) new and therefore interesting or exciting. It explains that you want to have a break with me, simply just because you find me dull and plain. Took some deep breath, I relieved a bit more. I start meditating: the habit of taking a cup of boiling water at the moment I got out of bed, following a quick shower refreshed my day. For me, it is refreshing but boring. I don't talk much in front of the mass, but I take relish watching you talking fun and smiling wild. What a nice and lovely smile you have. Sometimes, you shout; you frustrate; and you vent. Anyhow, you have never been grumpily complained. I like it when you shout, your dearest sweet voice; I like it when you frustrate, no misunderstood
me, dear, I like it because you look great while you frown and concentrate on thinking, but still I prefer you smiling. I won't say I like it when you vent, but I will never be pissed off by your venting. Do stay with me longer. I will look after you and cherish you as my dear girlfriend. I was shocked when you blinked your beautiful eyes and told me that you liked me. You could never tell how happy I was to spend time with you. But.. but ... the moment you imparted me that we are done. Bruised heart tearing no more, breath taken no more, all is dark and dark. The abysmal abyss I stand. Today I am trying to coax someone to buy my devil soul and bury my torso and decay my limbs. JealousyA woman's jealousy is immense. It could occur at everywhere anytime without a hint. It just happens. Without a resaon. Vanity - almost everyone goes after it; dignity - few people still possess it; jealosy - everyone is tinged with it, to a certain extent. Jealousy slaughters. As a woman, I own a quantity of milicious jealous emotion. Time in and time out, I realize that I don't want to be eaten up with jealousy, therefore I learn the quality of giving up or being indifferent. It might sound lame. I become indifferent and heartless to things. Horrible. Just because I don't want to be consumed my entire life by harmful jealousy. A writer has an immense heart, let alone the size of her/is brain. My little brain does hurt and think hard for many a time. It suffers. Without a cure. Muse - few people can chase the trace of it; Thoughts - people think less and less everyday; creativity - everybody loves it but few people make and accept it. As a writer, I pursue inspiration and aspire communication. And as a female writer, I find that I contain less jealousy than a female. It is a waste of time to be jealous. Most of the time, I am jealous because YOU give me so much talent that a human being should have possessed. It means my jealousy is innate. September 21 Too farThe coffee is hot, the people leaving without nod, the traffic jams unblocked.
What happened in the past would fit with ease into a teapot.
you can't feel anything of it and its not contagious either.
but what did you say your age was, same of mine? I listen - a beating heart in a rainning night
With the precision of despair, anyone disturbs.
Here nobody has time for peace and love.
Pain begins at the beginning of the birth.
I am a sick child's body.
what on earth am I doing here, I do not ask myself as long as it keeps raining from the sky.
I go on thinking that it's memory that drags me back.
Chalne S.
September 17 Silly goosesI want to vomit and sceam out loud, life is just so bored, no one talks and no one cares about anything. they start worrying something would never happen they felt endanger. it is futil I mean it is pointless to feel something that is illusioned in one's mind and not gonna happen. They were threatened by themselves their own imagination and it is really ridiculous. I am harmless and weak, why do I pose a threat.. it is just weird that people are so stupid and short-sighted. Are they fool and silly goose.
I observe. But sitting still here I stop breathing and observing, I find zero passion to keep my eyes on these silly gooses. They are so disorganized and wrecked. They want to leave an impressive impression on others but they have limited knowledge of their own creation of creating a good image. What I am saying is that they are boring creatures.
Somebody is busybody, nobody is no body. I don't want to be anybody but myself. Sometimes I cannot find my way and so frightened that I might get lose. Cos I don't have a target in life. In this team, they want to carry out and conduct the program so it is a grand target for them. But what about a member of this team, I feel ashamed that I haven't got anything to assist them. But I admit nothing wrong of myself, I tried to do my best to conduct the assignments. People do things with bias, making a decision with judges, speaking out an opinion with discrimination, communicating with uncover veil. Under the influence of the massive impact, people are changing. I argue with others. My defiant attitude and cocky lifestyle annoy people around me. I do think I have good friends. I mean friends that can understand and forgive me. Sometimes, I cannot even understand and forgive myself just because I have done stupid and mischievous decision. I've never repented for what I done. Marry in haste, repent at leisure. I do want to spend some time to write a book but I don't have my muse with me all the time. I put music on and the thoughts gone. I wanna chase but they run so fast and I fall down. It is really a catastrophic to meet people that cannot talk with them. The big difference for many a case that
people makes friends with preconception. I am not trying to say it is bad or good, but it won't make it easy when you go out and meet new people. For all these times, I don't write as profilic as I done before. Friends don't gether together any more since we graduated from university. Frustrated and upsetted by the reality of the real society have compltely changed the new generations. It is a thing that happens every generation. We think of ourselves different but we are the same shits.
I was reading Edgar allen poe and emily dickson, then Virginia Wolf. The most difficult part is that by watching the screen all day long kills my eyes and I got nothing to share while I absorbed so much. The love philosophies and life theories are so not easy to understand. We are in it and how could we possibly understand the hardness of something hard. What am I talking about ? I lost my mind again.
How far is hell. What about the distance between heaven and hell? Have anyone known the answer yet. Or is there an answer? I don't know. By saying I don't know, I think of Aristotle, the man who is a know-it-all. I sell my passion for real life. I done my dream for the illusions. I keep the words but I lost my wits. Keep thinking of anything by saying nothing is really hideous and tedious. I don't understand how could one be such evil and make things complicated. I don't even know how could one so cruel without mercy. Eveyone has a stroy, I believe it. But the diffence is how you potrait it and how to retell it. It makes a difference. One told me yesterday that, I am of nothing special to impress him,, what he said for certain upset me a little bit. All I want to do is to make a difference but a scene. I try to talk smart and look sharp, but there must be some people who don't go alone with you and want to knnock you down with their creepy tricks. Gave it little notice, I argued nothing. Listent, listent, and listent. The world is remote. The human being is far away.
Again, I cannot find my own way. Every night on my ride back home, it felt like disaster. Becasue it is really gloomy to have people beside you without talking. Let along the idea of talking itself, people are supposed to get togehter and have fun, even though when they are working. I was on the phone with Maffie last night before my slumber, he was telling me again his passion and forgiveness to his girlfriend, and I listened and tried to find a way to retell my bitterness in life. It is so weird that I cannot find the direction and my way to what I want. I just know what I don't want. By selecting things what I don't want, I definitely can find out what I really want in the end of my life. There is a time that I want to die young, and it remains. Dying young is nothing horrible, it is a course of nature. The animals die, the plants die, the trees die, and the buildings collapse, on and on.
I took all the possibility to talk to people I can and make things happen.. I don't like the possiblity of nothing happening. I tried to talk to the head but it is in vain. It is always contradictory that I love the existence of possibilities but meanwhile I have to eliminate the possibilities of being possible to get things done absolutely. Jeff said that I am of philosophic, and what he said made me slightly relieved because I have been worried about the possibility of being a fool while working with silly gooses.
Chalne S. The only thing I know The only thing i know
the only thing I know
is missing-you sometimes from the work tedious the only thing I think
yes-to-day and tomorrow is perceiving transience the only one I miss
is you, the only distance ignorance, it annihilated Chalne S.
For David September 16 Age 21-25Age 21 -25
When i was twenty-one, I often thought to be a top one
I have done a loads of shittie-cool at the age of twenty-two It's time to get a know-life-more degree, while I'm of twenty-three I'm not sure what is life for, even if I'm on the edge of being twenty-four And when my rounds turn to be twenty-five, I'm sure nothing is going fine
Chalne S.
September 12 fucking bruised12th September 2008
I saw a sleeping bugger in fucking hell. Bruised I feel. Hurt no more. Grow as I will. Live on I have to.
Chalne S.
 September 05 Him4th September 2008
Him
He touches me without touching He speaks to me without speaking
I think of him even more and more
But the fact is that he never tries to call |
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